


On The Ledge.

by WhatTheWentz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Based Of s02e08 promo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Spells & Enchantments, Spoilers For Episode: s02e07 How Are Thou Fallen, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Hard, halp, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 09:01:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9714467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatTheWentz/pseuds/WhatTheWentz
Summary: Based of the promo for s02e08.  Alec is having hallucinations of Clary telling him how she feels about him being Jocelyn's murderer.





	

Alec wasn’t exactly sure what had happened that had brung him to this moment.  He and his friends and family had been holding a party for Max’s first rune, and now he was standing on the ledge of the roof of a building, trying to convince himself not to jump.

 

“You’re a murderer!” Hallucination Clary yelled at him from the roof, and although every logical bone in his body told him that it wasn’t real, it was the weight of the words that kept on dragging him down.

 

He flashed back to the night Jocelyn died, the blood soaking his hands, blood that no matter how hard he’d tried, he couldn’t scrub out.  His heart ached as he remembered Clary breaking down as her mother’s soul was released, and he was unable to stop the tears from falling.

 

It was ridiculous; Shadowhunters didn’t cry.  They sucked it up, no matter what situation.  It had been that way for centuries.  They endured pain, and fought through it, but Alec couldn’t.  He didn’t know why but every cell in his body agonised with the guilt of what he had done.

 

“You deserve to die.” The echo of Clary mocked, “For what you did to my mother.”   
  
Cold air whipped around Alec and he shivered, looking down.  He was used to heights due to being a Shadowhunter, but now that he had no runes activated so that he would land, all he could notice was how high he was, and how dizzying it was to look down at the ground.

 

“Alexander…” Magnus’ voice called, startling Alec, who then turned around to see him, wobbling slightly, “What’s wrong?  What are you doing up here?”

 

Magnus looked a bit worse for wear himself, his usually perfect eyeliner running slightly, as if he had been crying.  Alec struggled to look at him, remembering how he had practically forced himself on his boyfriend just a few nights previous, but the warlock had pushed him away and told him firmly that neither one of them was ready for that step.

 

“I can’t do this, Magnus.” Alec said, surprised by the trembling of his own voice.

 

The door on the roof opened, and more people joined them; Isabelle, Jace, Clary, Maryse and most heartbreakingly, Max.  The boy stared up at Alec with wide eyes, too innocent to fully grasp the situation but too smart to leave it alone.

 

Jace raised his hands, stepping forward, “Alec, please.  Don’t do what I know you’re thinking of doing.”

 

“You don’t know anything.” Alec said, his quivering increasing in intensity.

 

Heartbreak crossed Jace’s face as he said, “Of course I do.  You’re my parabatai, my brother.”

 

“Yeah, and I murdered your mom!” Alec yelled, the words coming out like venom, “I murdered  _ Clary’s  _ mom.”

 

Clary looked horrified, “I don’t blame you for that, Alec!”   
  


Then, Hallucination Clary refuted that statement by saying, “Yes I do.  I stay up all night thinking of ways to hurt you back.  I hate you.”

 

Alec shook his head, whimpering and covering his ears at the voice, almost stumbling backward.

 

“Alexander, this isn’t you!” Magnus called,  “It’s a spell!  We were all affected!  Somebody spiked our drinks, Valentine we think and--”   
  


Alec shook his head again, “N-No!  This is everything I deserve!”   
  


Tears welled in Isabelle’s eyes, “Alec.  Please.  Don’t do this.”

 

“Why not?” he screamed back, “We all know all of your lives would be better without me!  Mom wouldn’t have to worry about the black sheep bringing more shame to the family because he won’t marry a girl!  Jace can live without me getting on his nerves all the time, same with you, Izzy.  And Clary.  Clary?  She can stop having to pretend that she’s okay living in the institute with the asshole who murdered her mom.”

 

Magnus spoke up once more, “And what about me?  Or Max?  People need you, Alexander, and although you might think all of these people on this rooftop don’t want you or hate you or something, I can guarantee that you have never been more wrong.  People care.  People love you.  If they didn’t, they would’ve just let you jump and get over it.  So come down.”

 

“He doesn’t want you, remember?” Hallucination Clary hissed.

 

Alec let out a shaking breath, “You don’t want me.”   
  


“Alec, I have no idea why you would have such an idea in your head.” Magnus seemed somewhat offended by the accusation, “Of course I want you.  You just weren’t ready for that step.  Come down, and we can discuss this.”

 

The archer refused, “I can’t.  I can’t get her voice out of my head, and I need it to stop.”

 

“I can make you a remedy.” Magnus promised, “No more voices, it’ll stop.  Now come on.  Please.” he offered his hand.

 

Finally, Max piped up, “Alec…” he said softly, “Don’t leave me.”   
  


That was the breaking point.   Alec hopped down off the ledge and immediately felt the security of Magnus’ arms surround him.  Maryse looked down guiltily as her son wept loudly into the warlock’s neck, and she felt Max leave the security of her side to run over and hug Alec’s leg.

  
Isabelle and Clary each leaned in to Jace, the blond doing his best to comfort them as he watched Magnus take care of his parabatai.

 

***

 

When the group finally made it back into Magnus’ apartment, the other people attending the party had cleared out.  Magnus helped a still upset Alec to the sofa to sit down.

 

He knelt before the Shadowhunter and gently cupped his cheek, “Alexander?” he waited for the other to lock eyes with him to continue, “I’m going to go make up that remedy since the rest of the party seem to have helped themselves.” his lip curled in dissatisfaction, “Are you going to be okay on your own?”

 

“I’ll sit with him!” Max offered enthusiastically, coming and jumping onto the couch beside Alec and hugging his side.

 

Magnus smiled at that, “Seems like we’ve got nothing to worry about.  I’ll be back soon.” he said, then pressed his lips to Alec’s temple.

 

Alec relaxed into the gesture, comforted by Magnus’ presence but saddened as he walked away.  It made him nervous to see his mother looking over at him every five seconds, as well as Clary, Jace and Isabelle, all three whom had varying levels of guilt on their faces.

 

The hallucination of Clary continued to babble, but it was like static in his mind as he stared down at the floor.

 

“Is Magnus your boyfriend?” Max asked with a naivete that was adorable.

 

Alec turned to him and nodded, dread building in his gut as he pondered on the fact that he might not understand, “Yes.  He is.”

 

“He’s really cool!” Max exclaimed, which filled Alec with relief.

 

That relief soon faded when Maryse walked over, her face like stone, “Max, go stand with Isabelle and Jace.”   
  


The boy didn’t dare argue with her and ran over to them.

 

“So I guess you’re going to say you don’t approve?  Or you’re disappointed?” Alec began, his tone one of emptiness, “Take your pick, I’ve been thinking of you saying both for years.”   
  


Maryse looked hurt at his words, “Alec, I’m only disappointed that you didn’t tell me how you’ve been suffering.  The spell, the spiking of the drinks, it didn’t make us suicidal.  It simply showed us our worst fears.”   
  


“So you think I’m going to off myself.” Alec murmured,  _ “Great.” _

 

Maryse crossed her arms, “Is that not what you were trying to do?”

 

“I just--” Alec paused, trying to bring his emotions under control, “I just keep disappointing you, it seems.  First of all, I’m gay, second--”

 

She took his hand, “Alec, I don’t care if you’re gay.  I admit, I’ve been rather horrible about it in the past, but I would never,  _ ever  _ want you to take your own life.  You’re my son, my family, and although I don’t show it, I do love you.”   
  


“Is that how you feel about Izzy and Jace too?” Alec looked up with an accusatory gaze, “Or is Jace not ‘family’ enough?  Is Izzy too much of a disappointment too?  You know, you always say that you’re disappointed in this family, but you forget; you raised us.  You raised us with an iron fist, treated us like soldiers more than children, and the  _ second  _ we do something to fall out of line, you treat us like we don’t exist.”   
  


Maryse looked down, sorrow filling her gaze, “I deserved that.  I made mistakes, treated you and your siblings --  _ all of them  _ \-- wrongly.  I’m sorry.  I’ll just…” she got to her feet and turned to go, offering Max her hand.

 

“Bye, Alec.” Max said sadly before he took Maryse’s hand and left with her.

 

Jace, Clary and Izzy came over, both of Alec’s siblings sitting at each of his sides whilst Clary knelt in front of him.

 

“I don’t blame you.” Clary promised, and she reached and squeezed his hand, “Valentine killed my mom, not you.  I know that, okay?”

 

Alec nodded, tears brimming in his eyes once more, “I am so sorry.  I don’t know what came over me.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Jace’s hands rubbed soothingly into his shoulder as he spoke.

 

Isabelle’s voice was filled with sadness as she pleaded, “Just don’t do that again, please?”

 

“I won’t.” Alec said.

 

Clary got to her feet and offered Isabelle her hand, “Iz, we should head back to the Institute.  I’m sure Magnus will want to keep an eye on Alec.”   
  


“I’m staying here anyway.” Jace added, a bit lightheartedly.

 

Isabelle nodded and took Clary’s hand, squeezing it tightly as if she needed the support and the two girls walked out.

 

Alec leaned against Jace, feeling his parabatai run his hand up and down his back soothingly for what felt like hours until Magnus finally returned.

 

“Who’d have known portalling to Italy to  _ borrow  _ some ingredients would’ve irritated so many people?” Magnus pondered as he shook a bottle of red potion, “Oh, well.”

 

Alec asked, “What happened?”

 

“Nevermind.” the warlock came over to sit beside Alec, shaking the potion once more before handing him it, “This should counteract whatever’s making you have these awful hallucinations.”   
  


Alec nodded before downing the entire potion, it instantaneously banishing the awful image of Clary screaming her hatred at him.  Somehow though, the feeling of despair remained.

 

“I’m going to go catch some shuteye.” Jace said, getting up, “You two going to be okay?”   
  


Magnus nodded and mouthed ‘thank you’ to Jace, who smiled and nodded in reply before leaving.

 

“You don’t have to watch over me, you know.” Alec huffed, “I’m not going to do that again.”

 

Magnus then confessed, “Alec… I was suicidal once too.”   
  


“W-What?” it sounded impossible to Alec; how could such a horrible thing have ever happened to Magnus?

 

The warlock explained, “My mother killed herself because she bore a demon, and throughout the years, immortality it just… it grew to be terrible for me.  So I tried to end it.”   
  


“Who stopped you?” Alec asked, his heart shattering just thinking about Magnus in such a state.

 

Magnus replied, “Camille.  She was not always so cruel.” he looked saddened for a small moment, “Anyway.  I want to be there for you, Alexander, but I cannot if you push me away.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Alec whimpered, his voice cracking, “I’m sorry that I was too eager an-and that I tried t-to… I’m just so sorry.” he let out a hysterical sounding sob and broke down once more, surprised that he had any tears left.

 

Magnus wrapped his arms around the Shadowhunter, “Hey, it’s okay.  It’s okay.  I’m here, I’m here.  And I won’t leave you.” his hand trailed up and down Alec’s back as he encouraged him to let him feel all the pent up guilt and sadness.

 

Magnus knew it wouldn’t fix anything; mental illness and trauma was never going to be fixed with a simple hug, especially the kind Alec faced.  It’d take some time, but Magnus knew that was the one thing he had no shortage of.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when i was very very ill and very very tired so excuse me if it's godawful.
> 
> Please review/kudos!!


End file.
